been a litle while so I will shotgun stuff out.
Urologist confirmed the cancer - have surgery scheduled on the 18th of August
I don't believe I will survive the surgery.
Asked myself what would John have done if he knew he wouldn't make it? Am trying to wrap up the personal details of my life, see my son, hopeflly make up with family, get my son out here, wrie a letter to all the important people in my life, get the lake house done as much as possible so deb isn't left holding the bag. Bought small gifts for everyone here - still working on Mike and Mike and John. lEaning towards special knives....
Am nausous all the time, vomiting several times a day and today i crapped myself. Starting to see a little blood in my urine. Smoking helps the nausea - go figure. Smoking less too.
Walked into a new store selling exotic woods yesterday, began to cry - had to get out of there before I made a scene. I love wood and seeing all the beautiful varieties of each knowing i probably would never get the opportunity to work iwth any of them caused me to sob out loud. Final straw was finding a complete section for maaking pens - including all equipment needed - had to get out. Texted deb while leaving, said i was there and i broke into tears - she took it as a joke and - truthflly, i would have said it the same way iwthout the cancer - i loved the place. I couldn't correct her as I hate causing her pain - she doesn't really understand what i a m going through. The kids truly don't either - just another day for them - and I don't blame them for that.
I have kidney pain every day - getting worse. I doubted in the beginning that it was real - just a psychosomatic symptom - but it's real. I think it is what makes me nausous.\\More later when I feel less inclinded to self pity. Fuck you Dave
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The chemo diet...
Chemo is a wonderful way to lose weight - vomit all the time, drink only fluids and contrast dye, and watch the pounds melt off.
400.0 pounds today.
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
small cherry pie slice
404.3 yesterday
2 eggs, a crepe, toast and jelly
quik trip sandwich
418 in docs office 10 days ago.
400.0 pounds today.
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
small cherry pie slice
404.3 yesterday
2 eggs, a crepe, toast and jelly
quik trip sandwich
418 in docs office 10 days ago.
Monday, July 12, 2010
DaVinci, the amazing surgical robot and giant Etch a Sketch
Found a link showing the same operation I will be undergoing. 5 entry holes in my left abdominal side. Will post the link here below.
Status
Deb and I met with the urologist last week who confirmed the cancer dx. It is stage 2 and will likely require the removal of the entire kidney due to the tumor's proximity to the vessels supplying blood to the organ. A partial nephrectomy is possible but seems like a 50/50 prop.
The surgery is scheduled for August 13 and will mean a 3-5 day hospitalization. Chemo therapy is suggested and underway but not usually effective.
They will be using a robot "Poindexter" to do the surgery. Smaller holes, better articulation once in the body and a high success rate with faster healing times and shorter hospitalization stays.
I want this out of me now: as quick as possible and the one month wait almost kills me. It's convienent in terms of what is going on now with our lives - i.e. the lake house, but the thought of it continuing to grow while nothing is done is terrifying and frustrating.
As of this writing I have 31 days until surgery. I have decided to make everything I do count. To matter. To mean something. To be the best I can do at that time. I will quit smoking before I go to surgery. I will lose 30 pounds this month - by Dr. Pourakbar's scales. I will treat the people I love with love.
In other words, I will live every day like I am dying just like that song by Rascal Flats I think. The one where he rides a bull for 2.43 seconds and parachutes out of an airplane? I will love Deb more fiencely than ever and I will make sure she knows she is loved every single minute of every single day. I will make sure that the kids know i love them and will spend significant time with each and every one. I will make contact with my family again and try and spend time with my son if i can.
I will make everything I do, every minute count for something. I fear I may not make it through surgery and this is my last gasp.
The surgery is scheduled for August 13 and will mean a 3-5 day hospitalization. Chemo therapy is suggested and underway but not usually effective.
They will be using a robot "Poindexter" to do the surgery. Smaller holes, better articulation once in the body and a high success rate with faster healing times and shorter hospitalization stays.
I want this out of me now: as quick as possible and the one month wait almost kills me. It's convienent in terms of what is going on now with our lives - i.e. the lake house, but the thought of it continuing to grow while nothing is done is terrifying and frustrating.
As of this writing I have 31 days until surgery. I have decided to make everything I do count. To matter. To mean something. To be the best I can do at that time. I will quit smoking before I go to surgery. I will lose 30 pounds this month - by Dr. Pourakbar's scales. I will treat the people I love with love.
In other words, I will live every day like I am dying just like that song by Rascal Flats I think. The one where he rides a bull for 2.43 seconds and parachutes out of an airplane? I will love Deb more fiencely than ever and I will make sure she knows she is loved every single minute of every single day. I will make sure that the kids know i love them and will spend significant time with each and every one. I will make contact with my family again and try and spend time with my son if i can.
I will make everything I do, every minute count for something. I fear I may not make it through surgery and this is my last gasp.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Letter to Deb
July 7, 2010 10:05pm
Mr. Brasfield:
We don’t currently know one another, but once upon a time we did. Neither one of us liked the other during those high school days at Truman and of course we have never met again. To be completely candid and honest, from what I remember of you then and the little I know about you now, I am sure I wouldn’t like you today should we meet.
Despite that, I find myself compelled to write to you because of your relationship with Debbie Alexander. Deb is now my wife and I have come to know the two of you once had a significant relationship just prior to ours. I also know the relationship did not end well and the breakup was your decision. Which brings me for the reason I am writing you this letter: Mr. Brasfield, I am eternally grateful
If not for your decision to end the relationship, I would never have had the opportunity to meet this incredible woman. Deb loved you Mr. Brasfield and when Deb loves something, that thing stays loved; they become fiercly part of her and she fights with all her might to continue to love, support and cherish that thing. When a man is loved by Deborah Alexander, that man knows he has been loved, and, I am sure you must know this part or at least sensed it, but that love is rare and incredibly precious and to have it’s light shined on you is something most wonderful indeed.
I don’t know the reason behind your decision Mr. Brasfield, but it was the worst decision of your life. I am going to tell you things I see in Deb, things you too must have known but maybe didn’t see them as clearly as I do. Maybe you just didn’t give yourself the chance to see them.
Deb is the peer of anyone, certaintly my peer in all things – perhaps if truth be told, better than me in many. Her intelligence and quick and nimble wit means a true partner in solving any challenge and makes even simple conversation always meaningful. Her capacity for joy and humor is boundless and Deb and I have laughed together endless times. This part of our relationship is something I value almost above all else. I can’t tell you how many times she or I have verbally engaged in battle and end up laughing – me frequently laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. Her compassion and kindness towards others, her family and myself are a treasured gift.
Her indomitable spirit inspires everyone. I know you must be aware of the death of her husband after 17 years of marriage. Surely you must have sensed the pain this caused her – I believe this loss almost destroyed Deb. Somehow, probably through her faith, she was able to carry on. I don’t know about you sir, but I don’t know many people who could recover from a blow like that. Since that death, Deb continued to raise her family, completed nursing school, has fallen in love twice and continues to love God and support her church. I, given the same circumstances, would not have survived. I suspect you as well would have crumbled – I expect most people would have.
I hesitate to tell you intimate details about our life as I don’t share these with anyone but Mr. Brasfield, you have reason to know if you don’t already; Deb looks absolutely gorgeous in moonlight. I can’t count the number of times I have sat in a chair near our bed and simply watched her sleep as the moonlight caresses her body as it moves through the room. Deb herself doesn’t know I do this as often as I do this even though I often glide my hands over her to feel her warm smooth skin and movement towards me as she sighs and softly moans. The joy I feel at these times to know that this incredible loving and delicious woman lying in that bed loves ME! can and has done so, bring me to tears.
Mr. Brasfield, even though I am sure you and I would dislike one another on the spot should we meet today or in the future, you should know that I consider myself in your debt. I hope someday you are able to find a thoroughbred woman like Deb. Since I met Deb, every day has been a joy and every night an intoxicating indulgance.
In gratitude;
David Rimmer
Truman Class of ‘77
Mr. Brasfield:
We don’t currently know one another, but once upon a time we did. Neither one of us liked the other during those high school days at Truman and of course we have never met again. To be completely candid and honest, from what I remember of you then and the little I know about you now, I am sure I wouldn’t like you today should we meet.
Despite that, I find myself compelled to write to you because of your relationship with Debbie Alexander. Deb is now my wife and I have come to know the two of you once had a significant relationship just prior to ours. I also know the relationship did not end well and the breakup was your decision. Which brings me for the reason I am writing you this letter: Mr. Brasfield, I am eternally grateful
If not for your decision to end the relationship, I would never have had the opportunity to meet this incredible woman. Deb loved you Mr. Brasfield and when Deb loves something, that thing stays loved; they become fiercly part of her and she fights with all her might to continue to love, support and cherish that thing. When a man is loved by Deborah Alexander, that man knows he has been loved, and, I am sure you must know this part or at least sensed it, but that love is rare and incredibly precious and to have it’s light shined on you is something most wonderful indeed.
I don’t know the reason behind your decision Mr. Brasfield, but it was the worst decision of your life. I am going to tell you things I see in Deb, things you too must have known but maybe didn’t see them as clearly as I do. Maybe you just didn’t give yourself the chance to see them.
Deb is the peer of anyone, certaintly my peer in all things – perhaps if truth be told, better than me in many. Her intelligence and quick and nimble wit means a true partner in solving any challenge and makes even simple conversation always meaningful. Her capacity for joy and humor is boundless and Deb and I have laughed together endless times. This part of our relationship is something I value almost above all else. I can’t tell you how many times she or I have verbally engaged in battle and end up laughing – me frequently laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. Her compassion and kindness towards others, her family and myself are a treasured gift.
Her indomitable spirit inspires everyone. I know you must be aware of the death of her husband after 17 years of marriage. Surely you must have sensed the pain this caused her – I believe this loss almost destroyed Deb. Somehow, probably through her faith, she was able to carry on. I don’t know about you sir, but I don’t know many people who could recover from a blow like that. Since that death, Deb continued to raise her family, completed nursing school, has fallen in love twice and continues to love God and support her church. I, given the same circumstances, would not have survived. I suspect you as well would have crumbled – I expect most people would have.
I hesitate to tell you intimate details about our life as I don’t share these with anyone but Mr. Brasfield, you have reason to know if you don’t already; Deb looks absolutely gorgeous in moonlight. I can’t count the number of times I have sat in a chair near our bed and simply watched her sleep as the moonlight caresses her body as it moves through the room. Deb herself doesn’t know I do this as often as I do this even though I often glide my hands over her to feel her warm smooth skin and movement towards me as she sighs and softly moans. The joy I feel at these times to know that this incredible loving and delicious woman lying in that bed loves ME! can and has done so, bring me to tears.
Mr. Brasfield, even though I am sure you and I would dislike one another on the spot should we meet today or in the future, you should know that I consider myself in your debt. I hope someday you are able to find a thoroughbred woman like Deb. Since I met Deb, every day has been a joy and every night an intoxicating indulgance.
In gratitude;
David Rimmer
Truman Class of ‘77
Urology Appointment
Been waiting nearly two days (more like 5 if you count the weekend) for Pourakbar to get his shit together and tell me when the urology appointment is. I asked him when he told me the mass had to come out, "what do i do next?", "just wait for my office to call you with an appointment for the urologist."
Two days, 5 calls later, nothing. Deb asks me via text if I would like her to try and find out. I say sure. 20 min later i get - "you have a urologist appointment for tomorrow at 8:20 am"
Christ on a crutch.
Update: I can't get any call back from Pourakbar. Deb calls and gets the appointment and texts it to me in 20 min. Tomorrow at 8:20. God damn it. Makes me look like an amateur. I am fortunate to have her at my side in this.
Two days, 5 calls later, nothing. Deb asks me via text if I would like her to try and find out. I say sure. 20 min later i get - "you have a urologist appointment for tomorrow at 8:20 am"
Christ on a crutch.
Update: I can't get any call back from Pourakbar. Deb calls and gets the appointment and texts it to me in 20 min. Tomorrow at 8:20. God damn it. Makes me look like an amateur. I am fortunate to have her at my side in this.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Results of CT
NAME: RIMMER DAVID MR #: 1170390 ACCESSION #: 3523114
DATE OF EXAM: 20100702 PHYSICIAN: POURAKBAR MOHAMMAD K
________________________________________
MS CT PELVIS w w/o CONTR- AT 0848 HOURS (Report)
CT ABDOMEN WITHOUT/ WITH CONTRAST:
TECHNIQUE: Targeted multislice precontrast, postcontrast portal venous phase and delayed acquisition. 5 mm axial images archived.
CONTRAST: 100 cc Isovue-300 administered.
COMPARISON: None.
FINDINGS: The visualized lung bases are clear.
An exophytic enhancing mass arises from the anterior aspect of the lower pole of the left kidney. This mass measures up to 4.5 x 4.6 cm. On the precontrast scan, this lesion demonstrates Hounsfield units of 45. On the portal venous phase of enhancement, this lesion demonstrates Hounsfield units of 104. The left renal vein and inferior vena cava appear patent without evidence of tumor invasion. There is no hydronephrosis. An exophytic low attenuation lesion arises from the inferior pole of the right kidney and measures 3.9 x 3.1 cm. This likely reflects a simple cyst. No renal or ureteral calculi are identified.
The liver, spleen, adrenal glands, and pancreas appear normal.
There is cholelithiasis. No intra- or extrahepatic bile duct dilatation is identified. A small nodule is seen near the splenic hilum which is likely an accessory spleen.
The bowel is normal in caliber. No free fluid is seen within the abdomen.
There is atherosclerotic calcification of the aortic bifurcation and splenic artery. Few small gastrohepatic and retroperitoneal lymph nodes are identified. There is no mesenteric adenopathy.
IMPRESSION:
1. Enhancing exophytic left renal mass, compatible with renal cell carcinoma. No definite venous invasion is identified.
2. Cholelithiasis.
3. Simple-appearing right renal cyst.
Findings were discussed with Dr. Pourakbar at the time of dictation.
CT PELVIS WITHOUT/ WITH CONTRAST:
TECHNIQUE: Targeted multislice precontrast thin section and complete pelvic postcontrast acquisition. Thin section and 5 mm axial images archived.
CONTRAST: 100 cc Isovue-300 administered.
COMPARISON: None.
FINDINGS: No distal urinary tract calculi are seen. The urinary bladder, prostate, and seminal vesicles appear normal.
No inguinal or iliac adenopathy is seen. The bowel is normal in caliber. No free fluid is seen in the pelvis.
Degenerative changes are noted within the lumbar spine. No destructive osseous lesions are seen.
IMPRESSION: No acute abnormality.
Transcribed By: JTAUSCHER : 20100702 : 0944
Approved By:
Radiologist: POPE KRISTEN W
DATE OF EXAM: 20100702 PHYSICIAN: POURAKBAR MOHAMMAD K
________________________________________
MS CT PELVIS w w/o CONTR- AT 0848 HOURS (Report)
CT ABDOMEN WITHOUT/ WITH CONTRAST:
TECHNIQUE: Targeted multislice precontrast, postcontrast portal venous phase and delayed acquisition. 5 mm axial images archived.
CONTRAST: 100 cc Isovue-300 administered.
COMPARISON: None.
FINDINGS: The visualized lung bases are clear.
An exophytic enhancing mass arises from the anterior aspect of the lower pole of the left kidney. This mass measures up to 4.5 x 4.6 cm. On the precontrast scan, this lesion demonstrates Hounsfield units of 45. On the portal venous phase of enhancement, this lesion demonstrates Hounsfield units of 104. The left renal vein and inferior vena cava appear patent without evidence of tumor invasion. There is no hydronephrosis. An exophytic low attenuation lesion arises from the inferior pole of the right kidney and measures 3.9 x 3.1 cm. This likely reflects a simple cyst. No renal or ureteral calculi are identified.
The liver, spleen, adrenal glands, and pancreas appear normal.
There is cholelithiasis. No intra- or extrahepatic bile duct dilatation is identified. A small nodule is seen near the splenic hilum which is likely an accessory spleen.
The bowel is normal in caliber. No free fluid is seen within the abdomen.
There is atherosclerotic calcification of the aortic bifurcation and splenic artery. Few small gastrohepatic and retroperitoneal lymph nodes are identified. There is no mesenteric adenopathy.
IMPRESSION:
1. Enhancing exophytic left renal mass, compatible with renal cell carcinoma. No definite venous invasion is identified.
2. Cholelithiasis.
3. Simple-appearing right renal cyst.
Findings were discussed with Dr. Pourakbar at the time of dictation.
CT PELVIS WITHOUT/ WITH CONTRAST:
TECHNIQUE: Targeted multislice precontrast thin section and complete pelvic postcontrast acquisition. Thin section and 5 mm axial images archived.
CONTRAST: 100 cc Isovue-300 administered.
COMPARISON: None.
FINDINGS: No distal urinary tract calculi are seen. The urinary bladder, prostate, and seminal vesicles appear normal.
No inguinal or iliac adenopathy is seen. The bowel is normal in caliber. No free fluid is seen in the pelvis.
Degenerative changes are noted within the lumbar spine. No destructive osseous lesions are seen.
IMPRESSION: No acute abnormality.
Transcribed By: JTAUSCHER : 20100702 : 0944
Approved By:
Radiologist: POPE KRISTEN W
Monday, July 5, 2010
A letter to Rick Brasfield
Rick:
You may not remember me but we went to Truman together back in the day. You were a year ahead but I knew of you and of course had a few classes with you your last year.
I am writing because after all these years I have had occasion to remember you yet again - through Debbie Alexander. Debbie has told me about your relationship and I told her about knowing you in school. You may recall that Deb seems to know everyone in Indendence, we jokingly refer to her as the "Nexus". I know, through Deb, that the two of you broke up and that your relationship was the last one she had before she met me.
I feel in many ways that I owe you a debt of gratitude for ending that relationship; perhaps that feeling of debt is part of why I am writing this letter. Perhaps I am also hoping that someday the two of you may meet again and rekindle your relationship. Whether or not that ever happens, I wanted to tell you something about Deb, maybe things you already knew, suspected or never gave a thought to, or maybe you never had a chance to see deep enough to know what you gave up. And Rick, if that's the case, man, you really missed out on something.
Deb is a fierce lover who loves completely and thoroughly
You may not remember me but we went to Truman together back in the day. You were a year ahead but I knew of you and of course had a few classes with you your last year.
I am writing because after all these years I have had occasion to remember you yet again - through Debbie Alexander. Debbie has told me about your relationship and I told her about knowing you in school. You may recall that Deb seems to know everyone in Indendence, we jokingly refer to her as the "Nexus". I know, through Deb, that the two of you broke up and that your relationship was the last one she had before she met me.
I feel in many ways that I owe you a debt of gratitude for ending that relationship; perhaps that feeling of debt is part of why I am writing this letter. Perhaps I am also hoping that someday the two of you may meet again and rekindle your relationship. Whether or not that ever happens, I wanted to tell you something about Deb, maybe things you already knew, suspected or never gave a thought to, or maybe you never had a chance to see deep enough to know what you gave up. And Rick, if that's the case, man, you really missed out on something.
Deb is a fierce lover who loves completely and thoroughly
Fate or Fortune?
I have been finding myself beginning to question why this is happening to me. Is it because I accused God of cheating? All I did was tell him sternly to keep his cards above the table where everyone can see them and no bottom dealing.
Stopping at quick trip on the way home I gave in to impulse and bought ten $1 scratch off cards. From experience I know that when things go bad for me, bad things happen rapidly and are cataclysmic. I was thinking, ok lets see how my luck is and if I lose here, I know I am not going to make it. If I win, perhaps God is going to let me take a pot or two.
I scratch off the first 3 - nothing. The next one is a five dollar winner. A few later another five dollar winner. I am now even. I scratch off 3 more and nothing. Now I am down to my last ticket and I think, "ok, if this doesn't prove out a winner, what the fuck does a draw mean?", "Is God saying, hey buddy, I'm busy, don't bother me now." Or is he saying, "I haven't decided yet", or perhaps, "hey you're an idiot to think you can read your future by testing me this way." I hadn't planned on a draw.
The very last ticket was a $4 buck winner. I relaxed thinking, okay, that's gotta mean something, I won $4 bucks, that's 40% return on my investment. And I drove on home.
As I got out of the Jeep I had this sudden thought, "what if that means I have a 40% chance to survive?"
Oh God, you are a mean spirited bastard. Keep your cards on top of the table you asshole.
Stopping at quick trip on the way home I gave in to impulse and bought ten $1 scratch off cards. From experience I know that when things go bad for me, bad things happen rapidly and are cataclysmic. I was thinking, ok lets see how my luck is and if I lose here, I know I am not going to make it. If I win, perhaps God is going to let me take a pot or two.
I scratch off the first 3 - nothing. The next one is a five dollar winner. A few later another five dollar winner. I am now even. I scratch off 3 more and nothing. Now I am down to my last ticket and I think, "ok, if this doesn't prove out a winner, what the fuck does a draw mean?", "Is God saying, hey buddy, I'm busy, don't bother me now." Or is he saying, "I haven't decided yet", or perhaps, "hey you're an idiot to think you can read your future by testing me this way." I hadn't planned on a draw.
The very last ticket was a $4 buck winner. I relaxed thinking, okay, that's gotta mean something, I won $4 bucks, that's 40% return on my investment. And I drove on home.
As I got out of the Jeep I had this sudden thought, "what if that means I have a 40% chance to survive?"
Oh God, you are a mean spirited bastard. Keep your cards on top of the table you asshole.
christ
I haven't looked anything up about what doc told me. Deb has researched it and it's worse than I thought. The size determines the stage and we are hopeful it is stage 1 as the doc said we found it early. But in any event, it looks like my kidney is a goner and I will say goodbye to it soon. They will probably biopsy a lymph node to see if the cancer has metastisized and I may be in for chemo.
Motherfucker.
I feel like I am living two lives right now - one my real normal life and another that feels like a role I should be playing where I am going to have a significant surgery and likely find i have cancer. It doesnt feel real at all. Nothing of this feels real most of the time.
I know my emotions are responding - simple frustrations have thrown me into panic. Untying my ankle brace almost threw me into a fit of tears.
I am worried about what this all does to Deb and family; what have I gotten her into with the lake house? Or this home with so many unfiinsihed projects? Right now I am strong and feeling healthy and I feel a compulsion to finish everything as quick as I can while I am still here.
Motherfucker.
I feel like I am living two lives right now - one my real normal life and another that feels like a role I should be playing where I am going to have a significant surgery and likely find i have cancer. It doesnt feel real at all. Nothing of this feels real most of the time.
I know my emotions are responding - simple frustrations have thrown me into panic. Untying my ankle brace almost threw me into a fit of tears.
I am worried about what this all does to Deb and family; what have I gotten her into with the lake house? Or this home with so many unfiinsihed projects? Right now I am strong and feeling healthy and I feel a compulsion to finish everything as quick as I can while I am still here.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Chat with Deb 07/04
i am ok, just being reflective
David: doing ok - getting 'er done
oh boy
debbiekalexander: wanting to say the right thing
David: just say it deb
whats wrong?
debbiekalexander: nothing is wrong, i just am thinking about how to handle stuff
seriously you better not even think about leaving me
David: I don't like the effect this is having on you
debbiekalexander: the effect you are seeing is just the initial absorbtion
Sent at 4:19 PM on Sunday
David: i hate to see you unhappy.
sorry taking calls at same time
debbiekalexander: i am not unhappy at all. just meloncholy
David: tell nathan i activated his game account
pls
shrug well we know nothing at this point except they say i need surgery
debbiekalexander: i will let him know
Sent at 4:23 PM on Sunday
David: thanks - ok do you want to discuss it more here?
debbiekalexander: i have actually been writing you an email
David: oh boy
going back to Rick? :P
debbiekalexander: but if it is easier to do it in real time i am fine
David: nah email is fine hon
debbiekalexander: yep...f.u.
lol
David: ow
lol
debbiekalexander: i have my backups...dont worry about me
just kidding
seriously
David: can you send me those pics you took at the lake of mike and kate?
i worry about that too ya know
i want to ruin you for other men =- permanently
debbiekalexander: yep i will forard them to you
i love you for wanting me ruined
David: drimmer@gmail.com if you can
smile
have you talked with susan today?
debbiekalexander: i have been honest with you when i have told you that you are the best lover.
David: i really really want her gone out of the house
debbiekalexander: i mean it
David: i am best?
debbiekalexander: nope haven't talked to susan
you are the best
David: why does that mean so much to men? to me?
debbiekalexander: i love you
David: just so you know i am right now thumping my chest
debbiekalexander: probably becasue you know that i mean it
my hulk
my brute
David: oh yes i do lover
hah
tell jean if you wish or need to
you two are siamese twins anyway
debbiekalexander: i love you more than you will ever realize
David: it's why u put up with my crap
debbiekalexander: i already told jean
David: like meritline
oh
what was her response?
debbiekalexander: jean is pissed off at god
David: good riddance?
oh yeah i knew i liked her
debbiekalexander: she is really upset and wants us to come over
David: me too
i am very pissed
debbiekalexander: it might surprise you to learn that i am not pissed off at god
David: but then i think, shrug, it's just this personal thing he an i have -
she is really upset? that surprises me
debbiekalexander: a lot of people were very angry with god during johns situation
and i never could go down that road
i tried to expain it to paul once
David: well he and I have been arm wrestling a long time - i just never expected him to cheat
Sent at 4:34 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: i told him that gods way isn't always our way and we may never understand why some things happen...i assume taht if he wants us to know why things happen then we will learn everything upon our death
he does things in his time and for his reason.
i accept it becasue i accept his love for us unconditionally. it is part of my faith
David: i know and i don't begrudge you for it
debbiekalexander: i have been trhuogh hell and back and know that when he sent jesus here knowing tha he would die a horrible death that he did it to show his love for us.
you and i would say it is crazy talk
David: i don't mess with your faith
i respect it
debbiekalexander: but it is what i believe in to get me by with life
i also believe in prayer and that is why i tell people things that most people keep to themselves
i figure if people love me like i think they do they will offer me and my intentions up in prayer
and that is what will help move mountains
David: i trust you with this info. Btw, you are only person I trust and the only person I would have ever shared infor like this with
debbiekalexander: i blieve you
David: http://kansascity.craigslist.org/fuo/1825612810.html
something like this for the lake house
debbiekalexander: they are pretty but they are for midgets
look how close to the ground they are
lol
David: i know rofl
perfect for your family
debbiekalexander: yu are crazy
David: however - i like the rustic and simple design - just an idea
debbiekalexander: i agree. i just think they would look out of place
David: oh yeah - so close to the ground
Sent at 4:41 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/p_10151_10104_00871597000P?keyword=kitchen+table+set&prdNo=2&blockNo=2&blockType=G2
i was thinking of two of these side by side
kind of opposite of your thinking
David: actually like that
can you describe that table you found in the back?
that big one?
debbiekalexander: it looks like it is one that might have a hidden extension underneath it. it has about a 4" apron that goeas all the way around it. dark wood. i didn't see legs at all
David: prob stacked in that room
debbiekalexander: i assume so.
David: http://www.buffalo-lumber.com/pine-paneling.htm
the one on the right is the one i am thinking of - where i like the look
debbiekalexander: i like the looks of that
the one on the left is what my dad finsihed our family roomin the hosue we grew up in
David: hmmm
i love the look in firelight and evening sun
http://www.lowes.com/pd_304509-17587-PMPW08_0_?productId=3056261&Ntt=pine%20paneling&Ntk=i_products&pl=1¤tURL=/pl__0__s?newSearch=true$Ntt=pine%20paneling
debbiekalexander: i just sent you a link on cl for a table and chair set that also has 5 extra bar sttol height chairs
David: i like this horizontal for the walls - perhaps only the bottom third or so and then vertical up the rest of the way
ok checking it now
i would even love it for the ceiling
debbiekalexander: i bet it would be very nice.
maybe too heavy for celing but we could certainly stain luan to do the trick
she even has luan back in the bathroom
David: its 1/3rd inch thick so it may work
the price is high perhaps and if luan is cheaper ...
debbiekalexander: maybe. i figure the ceiling might be the last thing we finish
David: i say so too...
Sent at 4:57 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: just fyi i am looking at some cheap but qulaity minded sofas. i sent one to you
David: ok checking
debbiekalexander: flexsteel is an excellent name brand
David: got your email
mrs. rimmer
debbiekalexander: nothing fancy
David: yes it is
debbiekalexander: love you
David: love you too
table is not rustic nor big enough
debbiekalexander: whatever
lol
David: smile
if i had my druthers
i would ax down a giant redwood - eight feet across, cut a 12 foot section, square off the sides and plunk it down in the middle of the house.
debbiekalexander: okay paul bunyan
but really we dont have time
lol
David: smile
i know
hey nothing wrong with flexsteel
and that couch is perfect
debbiekalexander: i sent an email. maybe it is still available
David: yep
the way you are g oing maybe we should put a hitch on your van
debbiekalexander: if we could get two sofas like that a couple of chairs even bring up the stuff from basement it would be perfect
David: yep - rough and carefree - good for night reading and fireside moments
debbiekalexander: absolutely
we need to get this house ready asap so we can have those fireplace moments
David: 3125 Wyandotte St
KCMO 64111
that is the address of the burn barrells
debbiekalexander: okay???
David: i definately want it ready for the fall and winter
debbiekalexander: oh okay
David: i suspect
that we will have good use of it in the winter
i will try and pick some up tomorrow if he is around
debbiekalexander: not the best neighborhood
i will get you some cash
David: hmmm
looks like its just downtown....
I could swing by on the way to work with the trailer - for the price of five each, should i like get 4 of them? just in case?
debbiekalexander: i bet you are right i was thinking it was by VA
David: its off 31st street and linwood blvd
not too far from the new home depot and cost co there
going to lunch - will take phone - be in touch as soon as i get something to eat.
love ya
tell ya what
lets just go on iwth our lives like this isn't happening
debbiekalexander: going to camp. ttyl
we can try to do that
David: just do it matter of fact and let the chips fall where they may
ok camp? you?
debbiekalexander: i will try
David: a bit old ain't ya?
mike was a bit startling today
debbiekalexander: cute. off ot deleiver cpap
what do you mean
he wants to talk about things
David: just blurting it out like that
debbiekalexander: what everything means
what to expect
David: shrug
put me off a bit
debbiekalexander: he is an adult and you are his dad
dont be offended
he just needs to hear from you
David: ok
debbiekalexander: do you want me to tell him to back off
David: i will - tonight perhaps
debbiekalexander: would it make you more comfortable
David: no don't do that
i will set him straight while giving him info
debbiekalexander: ok just checking i want what youwant
ok hon
go eat
i will ttyl
David: thanks - u too . be good - ttyl
Sent at 5:20 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: are you online
David: yes
debbiekalexander: i am getting ready to go to bed. katie is sick and puking at camp
David: ouch
debbiekalexander: i also have been reading up on your type of kidney mass
\David: hmmm
ebbiekalexander: they will treat it as a stage 1 cancer regardless of what it might be
they will in all likelihood remove the entire kidney
David: christ
jesus h christ
debbiekalexander: they will or might put you on a regimen of chemo drugs for a time being
David: oh my fucking god
sec - on a call
debbiekalexander: they will likely take a lymph node to see if it has spread
David: oh christ
am i likely to die?
debbiekalexander: the good part is that if it is less than 7cm then it is stage one and there is a 95% survival rate
no death is very unlikely
however we have to put you on a big time diet
it is called a renal diet
you have to pretty much eliminate all phosporus from your diet.
David: he said large mass
i think he said that
he said there is a mass on your left kidney
debbiekalexander: which includes soda, beer, peanut buttger, icecream, cheesse and nuts
i thought you meantioned 4 cm and used the word encapsulated
David: sec - call
debbiekalexander: if both of those terms were used then it is easily stage 1 and very curable
David: no i never said 4 cm - i did say encap
debbiekalexander: encapsulated means that it fits entirely inside and within the kidney
therefore as long as it hasn't spread then you remove the kidney all can be golden
David: within the kidney!
christ
debbiekalexander: i know it sounds scary but it is actually good
David: i had no idea it was inside the kidney
debbiekalexander: it means that hopefully it hasnt spread
David: how painful is it - i mean symptoms prior to surgery?
i mean it aches right now
debbiekalexander: as long as the other kidney is healthy you should be ok
David: does that mean its aggressive?
FUCK A TRUCK!
debbiekalexander: the surgery and recovery will be painful for about a week
David: christ woman
i don't know what to say
debbiekalexander: they wont count it as aggressive unless it is stage 3 or 4 and even then it might be slow growing
David: you think my changces are good?
overall?
don't lie to me
debbiekalexander: however since the doctor said they caught it early and that it was encapsulated it is indicative that it only a stage one
David: i mean don't suger coat it
christ
debbiekalexander: you have a very good chance of completely getting rid of it
David: God must really hate me
debbiekalexander: and never getting it back
are you listening to me
you have a good chance
David: sheesh, all i said was he had to keep his cards above the table where everyone can see them
debbiekalexander: of beating this
David: holy shit
debbiekalexander: i wont lie to you
but you will have to quit smoking and we wil have to change our diet
David: i know but i don't want anyting sweetened either
debbiekalexander: i am not sugar coating anything
David: it aches right now - is that typical ? or somatoform stuff?
debbiekalexander: i did this research so that i could be prepared as to what we were up against
not uncommon for you to have flank pain
David: i know - i have been too ...
afraid to look into it
debbiekalexander: if you were a smaller man we might even be able to see and palpate it
that is why you have me to do the investigative stuff
David: christ - SEE IT?
debbiekalexander: you will have surgery soon, probably within a week.
and be in the hospital for 2-6 days
and light duty for 6 weeks
David: christ on a crutch
what happens if i ignore it and just go on with my life? and hope for the best?
debbiekalexander: followed by frequent follow ups and maybe chemo
then it will grow, maybe fast or maybe slow. this type can metasisize to your lung, bones, liver or brain
we are going to be proactive and aggressive and use our karate to kick its ass
David: how do you figure out what type it is?
debbiekalexander: just saying
David: our karate is strong...
debbiekalexander: if it is between 0-4 cm and encapsulated it is stage 1
if larger than 4-7 and encapsulated then stage 2
if it has spread to lymph nodes or adrenal gland then stage 3
if it has spread to a distant organ then stage 4
If the cancer is limited to the kidney, the 5-year survival rate is estimated as 90%. If it is found in a local lymph node, the survival rate drops to 60%. If it has spread to a distant organ, the 5-year survival rate is 9%. The overall survival rate for someone with kidney cancer averages 63%.
David: on phone with brian right now
debbiekalexander: so in a nut shell i know know exactly what to pray for
ok babe
Sent at 11:21 PM on Sunday
David: got to go for now sweetheart - so go to bed
debbiekalexander: okay hon. wake me when you get in
i love you
and just fyi i am not afraid
Sent at 11:25 PM on Sunday
David: i am - i am completely terrified
David: doing ok - getting 'er done
oh boy
debbiekalexander: wanting to say the right thing
David: just say it deb
whats wrong?
debbiekalexander: nothing is wrong, i just am thinking about how to handle stuff
seriously you better not even think about leaving me
David: I don't like the effect this is having on you
debbiekalexander: the effect you are seeing is just the initial absorbtion
Sent at 4:19 PM on Sunday
David: i hate to see you unhappy.
sorry taking calls at same time
debbiekalexander: i am not unhappy at all. just meloncholy
David: tell nathan i activated his game account
pls
shrug well we know nothing at this point except they say i need surgery
debbiekalexander: i will let him know
Sent at 4:23 PM on Sunday
David: thanks - ok do you want to discuss it more here?
debbiekalexander: i have actually been writing you an email
David: oh boy
going back to Rick? :P
debbiekalexander: but if it is easier to do it in real time i am fine
David: nah email is fine hon
debbiekalexander: yep...f.u.
lol
David: ow
lol
debbiekalexander: i have my backups...dont worry about me
just kidding
seriously
David: can you send me those pics you took at the lake of mike and kate?
i worry about that too ya know
i want to ruin you for other men =- permanently
debbiekalexander: yep i will forard them to you
i love you for wanting me ruined
David: drimmer@gmail.com if you can
smile
have you talked with susan today?
debbiekalexander: i have been honest with you when i have told you that you are the best lover.
David: i really really want her gone out of the house
debbiekalexander: i mean it
David: i am best?
debbiekalexander: nope haven't talked to susan
you are the best
David: why does that mean so much to men? to me?
debbiekalexander: i love you
David: just so you know i am right now thumping my chest
debbiekalexander: probably becasue you know that i mean it
my hulk
my brute
David: oh yes i do lover
hah
tell jean if you wish or need to
you two are siamese twins anyway
debbiekalexander: i love you more than you will ever realize
David: it's why u put up with my crap
debbiekalexander: i already told jean
David: like meritline
oh
what was her response?
debbiekalexander: jean is pissed off at god
David: good riddance?
oh yeah i knew i liked her
debbiekalexander: she is really upset and wants us to come over
David: me too
i am very pissed
debbiekalexander: it might surprise you to learn that i am not pissed off at god
David: but then i think, shrug, it's just this personal thing he an i have -
she is really upset? that surprises me
debbiekalexander: a lot of people were very angry with god during johns situation
and i never could go down that road
i tried to expain it to paul once
David: well he and I have been arm wrestling a long time - i just never expected him to cheat
Sent at 4:34 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: i told him that gods way isn't always our way and we may never understand why some things happen...i assume taht if he wants us to know why things happen then we will learn everything upon our death
he does things in his time and for his reason.
i accept it becasue i accept his love for us unconditionally. it is part of my faith
David: i know and i don't begrudge you for it
debbiekalexander: i have been trhuogh hell and back and know that when he sent jesus here knowing tha he would die a horrible death that he did it to show his love for us.
you and i would say it is crazy talk
David: i don't mess with your faith
i respect it
debbiekalexander: but it is what i believe in to get me by with life
i also believe in prayer and that is why i tell people things that most people keep to themselves
i figure if people love me like i think they do they will offer me and my intentions up in prayer
and that is what will help move mountains
David: i trust you with this info. Btw, you are only person I trust and the only person I would have ever shared infor like this with
debbiekalexander: i blieve you
David: http://kansascity.craigslist.org/fuo/1825612810.html
something like this for the lake house
debbiekalexander: they are pretty but they are for midgets
look how close to the ground they are
lol
David: i know rofl
perfect for your family
debbiekalexander: yu are crazy
David: however - i like the rustic and simple design - just an idea
debbiekalexander: i agree. i just think they would look out of place
David: oh yeah - so close to the ground
Sent at 4:41 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/p_10151_10104_00871597000P?keyword=kitchen+table+set&prdNo=2&blockNo=2&blockType=G2
i was thinking of two of these side by side
kind of opposite of your thinking
David: actually like that
can you describe that table you found in the back?
that big one?
debbiekalexander: it looks like it is one that might have a hidden extension underneath it. it has about a 4" apron that goeas all the way around it. dark wood. i didn't see legs at all
David: prob stacked in that room
debbiekalexander: i assume so.
David: http://www.buffalo-lumber.com/pine-paneling.htm
the one on the right is the one i am thinking of - where i like the look
debbiekalexander: i like the looks of that
the one on the left is what my dad finsihed our family roomin the hosue we grew up in
David: hmmm
i love the look in firelight and evening sun
http://www.lowes.com/pd_304509-17587-PMPW08_0_?productId=3056261&Ntt=pine%20paneling&Ntk=i_products&pl=1¤tURL=/pl__0__s?newSearch=true$Ntt=pine%20paneling
debbiekalexander: i just sent you a link on cl for a table and chair set that also has 5 extra bar sttol height chairs
David: i like this horizontal for the walls - perhaps only the bottom third or so and then vertical up the rest of the way
ok checking it now
i would even love it for the ceiling
debbiekalexander: i bet it would be very nice.
maybe too heavy for celing but we could certainly stain luan to do the trick
she even has luan back in the bathroom
David: its 1/3rd inch thick so it may work
the price is high perhaps and if luan is cheaper ...
debbiekalexander: maybe. i figure the ceiling might be the last thing we finish
David: i say so too...
Sent at 4:57 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: just fyi i am looking at some cheap but qulaity minded sofas. i sent one to you
David: ok checking
debbiekalexander: flexsteel is an excellent name brand
David: got your email
mrs. rimmer
debbiekalexander: nothing fancy
David: yes it is
debbiekalexander: love you
David: love you too
table is not rustic nor big enough
debbiekalexander: whatever
lol
David: smile
if i had my druthers
i would ax down a giant redwood - eight feet across, cut a 12 foot section, square off the sides and plunk it down in the middle of the house.
debbiekalexander: okay paul bunyan
but really we dont have time
lol
David: smile
i know
hey nothing wrong with flexsteel
and that couch is perfect
debbiekalexander: i sent an email. maybe it is still available
David: yep
the way you are g oing maybe we should put a hitch on your van
debbiekalexander: if we could get two sofas like that a couple of chairs even bring up the stuff from basement it would be perfect
David: yep - rough and carefree - good for night reading and fireside moments
debbiekalexander: absolutely
we need to get this house ready asap so we can have those fireplace moments
David: 3125 Wyandotte St
KCMO 64111
that is the address of the burn barrells
debbiekalexander: okay???
David: i definately want it ready for the fall and winter
debbiekalexander: oh okay
David: i suspect
that we will have good use of it in the winter
i will try and pick some up tomorrow if he is around
debbiekalexander: not the best neighborhood
i will get you some cash
David: hmmm
looks like its just downtown....
I could swing by on the way to work with the trailer - for the price of five each, should i like get 4 of them? just in case?
debbiekalexander: i bet you are right i was thinking it was by VA
David: its off 31st street and linwood blvd
not too far from the new home depot and cost co there
going to lunch - will take phone - be in touch as soon as i get something to eat.
love ya
tell ya what
lets just go on iwth our lives like this isn't happening
debbiekalexander: going to camp. ttyl
we can try to do that
David: just do it matter of fact and let the chips fall where they may
ok camp? you?
debbiekalexander: i will try
David: a bit old ain't ya?
mike was a bit startling today
debbiekalexander: cute. off ot deleiver cpap
what do you mean
he wants to talk about things
David: just blurting it out like that
debbiekalexander: what everything means
what to expect
David: shrug
put me off a bit
debbiekalexander: he is an adult and you are his dad
dont be offended
he just needs to hear from you
David: ok
debbiekalexander: do you want me to tell him to back off
David: i will - tonight perhaps
debbiekalexander: would it make you more comfortable
David: no don't do that
i will set him straight while giving him info
debbiekalexander: ok just checking i want what youwant
ok hon
go eat
i will ttyl
David: thanks - u too . be good - ttyl
Sent at 5:20 PM on Sunday
debbiekalexander: are you online
David: yes
debbiekalexander: i am getting ready to go to bed. katie is sick and puking at camp
David: ouch
debbiekalexander: i also have been reading up on your type of kidney mass
\David: hmmm
ebbiekalexander: they will treat it as a stage 1 cancer regardless of what it might be
they will in all likelihood remove the entire kidney
David: christ
jesus h christ
debbiekalexander: they will or might put you on a regimen of chemo drugs for a time being
David: oh my fucking god
sec - on a call
debbiekalexander: they will likely take a lymph node to see if it has spread
David: oh christ
am i likely to die?
debbiekalexander: the good part is that if it is less than 7cm then it is stage one and there is a 95% survival rate
no death is very unlikely
however we have to put you on a big time diet
it is called a renal diet
you have to pretty much eliminate all phosporus from your diet.
David: he said large mass
i think he said that
he said there is a mass on your left kidney
debbiekalexander: which includes soda, beer, peanut buttger, icecream, cheesse and nuts
i thought you meantioned 4 cm and used the word encapsulated
David: sec - call
debbiekalexander: if both of those terms were used then it is easily stage 1 and very curable
David: no i never said 4 cm - i did say encap
debbiekalexander: encapsulated means that it fits entirely inside and within the kidney
therefore as long as it hasn't spread then you remove the kidney all can be golden
David: within the kidney!
christ
debbiekalexander: i know it sounds scary but it is actually good
David: i had no idea it was inside the kidney
debbiekalexander: it means that hopefully it hasnt spread
David: how painful is it - i mean symptoms prior to surgery?
i mean it aches right now
debbiekalexander: as long as the other kidney is healthy you should be ok
David: does that mean its aggressive?
FUCK A TRUCK!
debbiekalexander: the surgery and recovery will be painful for about a week
David: christ woman
i don't know what to say
debbiekalexander: they wont count it as aggressive unless it is stage 3 or 4 and even then it might be slow growing
David: you think my changces are good?
overall?
don't lie to me
debbiekalexander: however since the doctor said they caught it early and that it was encapsulated it is indicative that it only a stage one
David: i mean don't suger coat it
christ
debbiekalexander: you have a very good chance of completely getting rid of it
David: God must really hate me
debbiekalexander: and never getting it back
are you listening to me
you have a good chance
David: sheesh, all i said was he had to keep his cards above the table where everyone can see them
debbiekalexander: of beating this
David: holy shit
debbiekalexander: i wont lie to you
but you will have to quit smoking and we wil have to change our diet
David: i know but i don't want anyting sweetened either
debbiekalexander: i am not sugar coating anything
David: it aches right now - is that typical ? or somatoform stuff?
debbiekalexander: i did this research so that i could be prepared as to what we were up against
not uncommon for you to have flank pain
David: i know - i have been too ...
afraid to look into it
debbiekalexander: if you were a smaller man we might even be able to see and palpate it
that is why you have me to do the investigative stuff
David: christ - SEE IT?
debbiekalexander: you will have surgery soon, probably within a week.
and be in the hospital for 2-6 days
and light duty for 6 weeks
David: christ on a crutch
what happens if i ignore it and just go on with my life? and hope for the best?
debbiekalexander: followed by frequent follow ups and maybe chemo
then it will grow, maybe fast or maybe slow. this type can metasisize to your lung, bones, liver or brain
we are going to be proactive and aggressive and use our karate to kick its ass
David: how do you figure out what type it is?
debbiekalexander: just saying
David: our karate is strong...
debbiekalexander: if it is between 0-4 cm and encapsulated it is stage 1
if larger than 4-7 and encapsulated then stage 2
if it has spread to lymph nodes or adrenal gland then stage 3
if it has spread to a distant organ then stage 4
If the cancer is limited to the kidney, the 5-year survival rate is estimated as 90%. If it is found in a local lymph node, the survival rate drops to 60%. If it has spread to a distant organ, the 5-year survival rate is 9%. The overall survival rate for someone with kidney cancer averages 63%.
David: on phone with brian right now
debbiekalexander: so in a nut shell i know know exactly what to pray for
ok babe
Sent at 11:21 PM on Sunday
David: got to go for now sweetheart - so go to bed
debbiekalexander: okay hon. wake me when you get in
i love you
and just fyi i am not afraid
Sent at 11:25 PM on Sunday
David: i am - i am completely terrified
Motherfucker
After years of taking my health for granted It has caught up with me. Damn Dr. Pourakbar has blindsided me with his surprisingly aggressive treatment. First saying I was for sure diabetic ( he was wrong) he has been right every time since - Heart murmur and hematuria.
He called Deb on the latter scaring the hell out of her. I apparently let my paranoia shape the playout of all this - i declined to give them my current phone number so when doc tried to call he had no choice but to call Deb. She catches me on the way to the lake and has me call the doc in front of her.
Doc says the CT found a mass on my left kidney that has to come out. Too early to call it cancer but he doesn't dodge the question when I ask him about it either. Just says it needs to come out now or as soon as possible.
I truly wish I had left them my phone number - I would prefer Deb and her family knows nothing about this.
He called Deb on the latter scaring the hell out of her. I apparently let my paranoia shape the playout of all this - i declined to give them my current phone number so when doc tried to call he had no choice but to call Deb. She catches me on the way to the lake and has me call the doc in front of her.
Doc says the CT found a mass on my left kidney that has to come out. Too early to call it cancer but he doesn't dodge the question when I ask him about it either. Just says it needs to come out now or as soon as possible.
I truly wish I had left them my phone number - I would prefer Deb and her family knows nothing about this.
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