Updates

been a litle while so I will shotgun stuff out.

Urologist confirmed the cancer - have surgery scheduled on the 18th of August

I don't believe I will survive the surgery. 

Asked myself what would John have done if he knew he wouldn't make it?  Am trying to wrap up the personal details of my life, see my son, hopeflly make up with family, get my son out here, wrie a letter to all the important people in my life, get the lake house done as much as possible so deb isn't left holding the bag.   Bought small gifts for everyone here - still working on Mike and Mike and John.  lEaning towards special knives....

Am nausous all the time, vomiting several times a day and today i crapped myself.   Starting to see a little blood in my urine.  Smoking helps the nausea - go figure.  Smoking less too.

Walked into a new store selling exotic woods yesterday, began to cry - had to get out of there before I made a scene.  I love wood and seeing all the beautiful varieties of each knowing i probably would never get the opportunity to work iwth any of them caused me to sob out loud.  Final straw was finding a complete section for maaking pens - including all equipment needed - had to get out.  Texted deb while leaving, said i was there and i broke into tears - she took it as a joke and - truthflly, i would have said it the same way iwthout the cancer - i loved the place.  I couldn't correct her as I hate causing her pain - she doesn't really understand what i a m going through.  The kids truly don't either - just another day for them - and I don't blame them for that.

I have kidney pain every day - getting worse.  I doubted in the beginning that it was real - just a psychosomatic symptom - but it's real.  I think it is what makes me nausous.\\More later when I feel less inclinded to self pity.  Fuck you Dave