christ

I haven't looked anything up about what doc told me.  Deb has researched it and it's worse than I thought.  The size determines the stage and we are hopeful it is stage 1 as the doc said we found it early.  But in any event, it looks like my kidney is a goner and I will say goodbye to it soon.  They will probably biopsy a lymph node to see if the cancer has metastisized and I may be in for chemo. 

Motherfucker.

I feel like I am living two lives right now - one my real normal life and another that feels like a role I should be playing where I am going to have a significant surgery and likely find i have cancer.  It doesnt feel real at all.  Nothing of this feels real most of the time.

I know my emotions are responding - simple frustrations have thrown me into panic.  Untying my ankle brace almost threw me into a fit of tears. 

I am worried about what this all does to Deb and family; what have I gotten her into with the lake house?  Or this home with so many unfiinsihed projects?  Right now I am strong and feeling healthy and I feel a compulsion to finish everything as quick as I can while I am still here.